


A Cold and Doubting Heart

by Liars



Series: Direthal Lavellan [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Partial Nudity, Past Relationship(s), Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-18 05:43:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7301755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liars/pseuds/Liars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The recollection of the conversation about Lavellan's preferences and why she chose Solas. This leads to the moment in which he makes his final decision subconsiously, unbeknownst to himself and Lavellan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Cold and Doubting Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Side note: Direthal's relationship with her father is completely normal. She has the tendency to be drawn, in usually platonic ways, to strong and intellectual individuals who have the knack for story telling which stems from her deep respect and admiration for her father's character, and Solas is made aware of this fact and begins to doubt his place in her life. This leads to an unfortunate conversation ending.

(Unedited)

 

“Am I a replacement? An ill placed desire for something you no longer have?” Her hand that trailed over his bare chest stopped on his collar bone, freezing despite the warmth that pumped through it.  


Her voice was hesitant, confused even, as she remembered the words slip cautiously from her lips, “Whom or what do you fear you are replacing?”  


“An ideal. Your father. Your lover. Your insatiable curiosity. Forgive the ramblings of an old man, vhenan. Varric had mentioned your attentions are often focused on those who are of likeness to your father, and your previous mate. I seem to fit this metaphorical bill too well,” his eyes had not met hers at the time, and a feeling of dread had started seeping through her heart as the silence overtook her and him.  


All too quickly had she found herself sitting up, the sheets sliding down her bare body, revealing tanned skin, freckles, and scars. Her stomach had felt queasy, and she could only imagine how he too had felt and for how long. She had wondered what thoughts had brewed in his mind after he had met Selethan, her past mate and husband, but had not even once considered the fact that he would consider himself less than her former love.  


She tried not to sound hurt, tried to play it as humorous, but her words came off as bitter, “I see. I suppose being attracted to the wise and strong is unusual?” Her tone made him flinch, and she remembered sighing, and tried another more gentle approach, all in one trying to put his fears to rest as well as defend her character, “While older men do seem appealing, is that no different that admiring someone for their fair complexion or high cheek bones? Am I so shallow as to restrict myself to a certain ‘type?’”  


“No, vhenan, I did not mean that, I just-“  


She could not listen to apologies that would only stem the flow of conversation, not when such feelings were running rampant in her beloved’s mind. It hurt, more than he probably realized, that he doubted her lack of authenticity, however there were common factors, and doubts filled her mind as well. “My father, Selethan, and you all have those beautiful grey blue eyes like storms brewing. You all are elven, have pale complexions, around the same age, and have lean figures. Not to mention you all are wise, strong, proud men with the ability to spin valiant stories. Such a curiosity to run into such similar men in one's life.”  


“I am sorry to have brought it up, Direthal, please speak no more of this wretched topic,” but once spoken, she could not let it lie and fester.  


Her voice took an almost desperate tone, trying to get him to listen, to understand, to grasp her feelings. “Let me speak, my heart, as I choose. You fear that I am romanticizing you, or perhaps using you to fill a hole left by your predecessors. I could tell you this is not so, but I fear that such doubts would yet linger.” She leaned over him, grabbed his hands and pressed them to her chest, they were cold, and she wished she cold share her warmth and feeling, but his eyes seemed clouded and distant. “Look into my eyes, feel my heart beat in time with yours, for you are my heart. Tell me that you saw me look at Selethan this way. Tell me I was enraptured by him as I am with you. I could not bear to leave you as I did him in Starkhaven, even if you were to have child and mate. I would have stayed, would have waited in the shadows for whatever chance I could take.”  


“You would be compelled to leave, your duty would call eventually,” he knew her well, knew the turmoil she would feel for abandoning the world, but he did not grasp her feelings towards him and did not know her enough.  


She would hate herself, if it were to come to it, but her choice would be simple. She had come to love her friend and mentor, a man who found kinship with her when she had none in the strange human world. A man who saw her for a person and not a god or prophet. A hermit who was fascinated with the world in front of them and the mysteries of the veil. His obsession for knowledge drew her to him, as her own rivaled it. She knew him, knew his flaws, his talents, and celebrated them all together. She would not trade him for the world, but the man she knew, was only the man he had shown her, as she knew now.  


“I have given my live hundreds of times over for people I do not know, but I would not allow them to ask me so much, ask me to tear my heart from my chest. Even I draw the so called line,” she pleaded, but he did not seem to hear her voice, almost as though he was hearing another in her tone.  


“You deserve happiness. They should not take it from you. But you are called to do your duty, even if the costs are high, and you will do your duty. No matter the cost,” he was no longer talking to her, but was now battling another out loud, his voice steady, cold and far, so very far from her.She knew now that at that moment she had lost him, even if her past self did not fully grasp it. Maybe, just maybe had she used different words, had not been as drastic, he wouldn’t have closed himself off.  


“Then pray that the time shall never come, for I dare not think on whether I choose duty over life. I have been a martyr, I have been the witness, and now I choose happiness by your side.” But her words fell on deaf ears, he held her, and she warmed him, but she did not warm the cold and hardened heart that drove his mind.  


“Yes, vhenan, let us hope such a time were to never pass.”  


Duty would drive him forward, even if his heart would cease to beat.


End file.
